Rat Race, Simpsons Style!
by Sideshow Bob Roberts
Summary: When Mr. Burns randomly selects members of Springfield to race for 2 Million, havoc is unleashed. Who will win? UPDATE: Edited and revamped! Added more detail and one character!
1. Chapter 1: Meet The Racers

**As I have said, I have made some changes to this story, adding more detail. Including a familiar Simpson character. I didn't touch the plot very much. Hope you enjoy it more...**

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**Chalkboard Gag:** Bart writes: 'I will not flick rubber bands at Willy when he drives by the window in his tractor.'

**Couch Gag:**The Simpsons run to the couch and see the Griffin family from Family Guy sitting there. They look at each other like they're looking at themselves almost.

**On the tv reads****: **Written by Sideshow Bob Roberts

Based on the hit movie and cartoon, respectively**.**

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**Chapter One:Meet The Racers**

It's the usual day in Springfield. Homer Simpson is, of course, not doing his job at the nuclear power plant, Bart's raising hell outside of school, Gil lost another job, and Mr. Burns is making more money than ever. This time he has built yet another casino and hotel, this time with a suprise for a lucky bunch of people.

Disco Stu, resident Disco fanatic, is checking out of Burns' Casino and Hotel after a spending a night there, partying with some friends.

Stu steps up to the counter in the lobby. He leans against it. "Disco Stu, checkin' out! Room 322."

The lady pulls a piece of paper out from behind the counter. "All right. Here's your bill sir." The lady hands him the bill.

"Thank you!" Stu reads it a little and looks back at her. "Wha-Wait. What's this bogus charge here?" He points to the movies on it.

"Those are your in room movies." She responds.

"Disco Stu never ordered any movies."

"Are you sure?" She stares at him. She goes to the computer and types in something. "What about Afro Whores?"

"Afro Whores? Disco Stu has never heard of it."

"Really? It says here you watched it eleven times. You started to watch Footloose once, then switched back to Afro Whores." She looks at Stu again, staring.

"Disco Stu has never seen it!" Stu proclaims.

She reads the tag line for the movie. "Sizziling, back-door, three way action with funkadelic babes?"

"You know Disco Stu too well!" Stu signs the bill.

Meanwhile, Krusty the Clown is drowning his sorrows at the bar with alcohol.

"Hey, aren't you Krusty the Clown?" A man next to him asks.

Krusty gulps down his scotch "Yeah, so what?!"

"My kid loves you, can I get an autograph?" He pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and a pen. He hands it to Krusty.

"That depends, can I get ten bucks?"

"Why?"

"For the autograph you shmuck! Forget it," Krusty throws the paper and pen to the ground. "I'm going somewhere to drink in private." Krusty walks away, but comes back a few seconds later. "Where's your john?"

The reason Krusty is on yet another drinking binge is that recently, he had made quite a scene on his show two days ago. The television above the bar played the story on the news as Krusty walked away.

"Hello, I'm Kent Brockman. Welcome back to our coverage of what we like to call: Krusty Gone Krazy!" A logo comes up saying just that. "Here's the already infamous clip from Monday's show."

The clip starts to play. "Alright little boy," Krusty says to a boy next to him. "all you have to do is hit this target with this hammer, and get the bar to go as high as you can. If you can hit the bell, you can win a prize! Ready?" The boy nods his head. "Go!"

The boy, blindfolded, hits Krusty in the foot.

"Owwwww!! You little (bleep)!! You hit me in the (bleep) foot! Whose (bleep) idea was it to blind the little (bleep)?! (Long Bleep) balls! Oh, hey kids!" Kids stare "What? Your parents haven't taught you those words yet?"

Nelson was in the audience at the time. "Haw-haw!!"

The bartender changes the channel.

As Krusty walks to the bathroom, Kang and Kodos slither by.

"All right Kodos. Here is the plan: I will put some of my tentacle slime on these steps," He says as they climb up the stairs. "you walk across the lobby and let this so-called 'gravity' do the rest that way we may purchase the required mechanical parts to repair our ship."

"I might 'eak' my neck"

"What? Are you consuming mortals again? You know how that affects you speaking. Expectorate him immediatly!" Kodos spits out a human, which turns out to be Gil.

"Aw, ol' Gil's not even good enough to be eaten. I guess I'll go back to the subway." Gil walks away with his head down.

"Sorry. As I was saying, I might fracture my neck." Kodos responds.

Kang looks confused. "We don't possess necks."

"I know, I just don't see why I have to participate in this."

"Because I am 1000 Lightyears older than you, making me the oldest Kinsman, meaning you, brother, must to this." Just then, Gil came back go to the bar and slipped and fell down the stairs.

"Oh, ol' Gil's finally gonna get paid! Life is good. Da-da-da. Da-da-dadada!" He does a little jig on the ground. Kang and Kodos walk away depressed.

Patty and Selma were standing by watching Gil writhe in pain. "Hah. It always makes me feel good to see others in pain. Doesn't it Selma?" Patty says as she takes the cigarette out of her mouth.

Selma takes a cigarette out. "Oh yeah. Let's go to the bar, I need a memosa and a smoke."

"Amen to that. I wonder where Marge is?" Patty says looking around.

"Probably with that oaf of a husband."

Patty shakes her head. "I don't know what she sees in him."

"Me neither." They laugh and walk to the bar.

In fact, Marge is with Homer. Homer swings the door open, holding a purse.

"See Marge, I told you we didn't need a bellman." Homer said carrying Marge's purse as she carried all the luggage.

"Yes Homer, you avoided yet another tip." Marge says as she sets the luggage down. She takes her purse from Homer.

"Those nickles and dimes add up Marge."

Bart and Lisa run in towards the beds.

"I call this bed!" Bart jumps on a bed.

"Bart! I want that one." Lisa yells to Bart.

"Go to hell."

"Bart! Watch your damn language!" Homer responds.

Marge runs to the window. "Homie, look at this view!"

"Yeah... I think I'm going to go take a look downstairs." Homer takes his wallet out and looks through it.

Marge goes to Homer."Homer, you're not going to gamble are you?"

"Of course not Marge I'm just going to go--" '_All right say something smart Homer.' _He thinks "--go gambling. Do'h!"

Marge crosses his arms."Homer! I'm disappointed in you. You swore on Patty and Selma's lives that you wouldn't gamble."

"Exactly, that's why I have to Marge!"

Marge takes Homer's wallet. "No, I'll go, you stay."

"Awww, Marge gets to have all the fun."

Lisa chimes in "Are you sure it's smart to let her go down there, she does have a gambling issue you know." She says as she opens up a book.

"She'll be fine." Homer runs to the mini-fridge. "Ooh! Mini-Fridge. Mmmmmm, mini everything." He drools.


	2. Chapter 2: The Racers Gather

**Chapter Two:The Racers Gather**

Patty and Selma, having had their fare share of Cigarettes and liquor, head down to the slots to try their luck, as did all the other guests as well...

Selma pulls the arm of the machine, it dings and drops a single coin. "Oh! Patty, look I won!" She takes out the coin and inspects it.

Patty takes the coin and inspects it. "What's that? That's not money! It's a worthless coin."

"I don't think it's worthless." Selma takes it back at points to the back." See? It says 'you're a winner, see guest services'. Should we?"

"Why not?" Patty throws the cigarette to the ground and puts it out with her foot. "We've got nothing else to do around here."

Marge, going from slot to slot, can't catch a break until she too gets a coin. She is using the money from Homer's wallet.

"A dollar? Hope it's worth it." She puts in her dollar and she wins. "I won! " She inspects the coin closely.

Kang and Kodos have stolen a 'give money to feed the poor' charity box and are putting the money into the slots. "Come on Kodos, one of these brightly lit money releasers must give us something."

Kang wins a coin. "We won a piece of currency! It doesn't appear to be economical, however."

"But this prize just could be." They laugh maniacally until the casino goes quiet and walk away embarrassed.

Patty and Selma arrive at the reception desk first. "That's it? A crummy buffet?" Patty grumbles disappointed.

The woman looks at the computer and reads it. "No, actually it's not a buffet. It's a special reception with fabulous opportunities. That's all I know." The receptionist told them.

Patty thinks and looks at Selma. "Hmmm, sounds like a scam. Should we do it Selma?"

"Why the hell not, we're already here, right?" Selma turns to the receptionist. "We'll do it."

Later, at Monty Burns penthouse, most of the winners have arrived. They eat and talk. Patty was the first to ask, "Does anyone know what we're doing here?"

"Free food, that's what!" Homer holds up his plates of food. "Now move you!" Homer shoves Patty out of the way. The reason that Homer was there, and not Marge is that he tricked her into thinking that the coin was worthless when she came and told him about it. He assumed there was food involved.

Homer walks over by Kang and Kodos. "Oh my God!"

"Relax Earthling, we mean you no harm, yet..." Kang says evily.

"Huh? You're an alien? I was going to ask where you got that hot dog from!" Homer sees Krusty across the room. "Hey, it's Krusty!"

"Ughhhhhh, another fan, great." Krusty says sarcastically.

Homer runs over to Krusty. "My son loves you! Especially after last week's show."

Krusty looks up at Homer. "You mean he liked that? I embarrassed myself on tv! Everybody saw it! I'm a laughingstock!"

"Yeah, but you made him very happy."

"Happy? I'm probably going to be canceled!" Krusty shouts.

"Oh well. You had a good run." Homer walks away, eating at the same time.

Just then, Dr. Nick walks in. "Hi everybody!"

"Hi Dr. Nick!" Everyone said.

"Am I too late for the party?" He takes out the coin. "Look, I won a coin, a gold coin!" Nick walks down the steps and looks around. "Look at this room. What a beautiful room, have you seen this room?"

"Yes. We're in it you idiot!" Krusty insults. He turns away and gets more food.

Dr. Nick walks over to Kang. "Whoah, you are very ugly. I am also a plastic surgeon you know, I can make you very handsome for very much monies!"

"I'll have you know, on my planet all of the females fight for me. Literally, they must fight in a tournament to the death against each other for me."

"Call me if you change your mind." Dr. Nick hands him a card.

"Which one?" Kang replied.

"That's it, we're leaving." Patty grabs Selma's wrist and starts to walk away. "Come on Selma. Grab you purse of food, and let's go."

"Not so fast!" Mr. Burns said coming out of the shadows.

"Ahhh! It's Mr. Burns." Homer yelped. "I'm sorry I'm not at work Mr. Burns. I'll go immediatly."

"No, stay. I don't think your boss will mind if you miss a day. It's not like you work at my power plant or anything." Mr. Burns laughs. Homer starts to laugh with him and keeps laughing even after Mr. Burns stops. He slowly stops laughing until he realizes that no one else is laughing. "I need beer."


	3. Chapter 3: The Explanation

**Chapter Three:The Explanation**

"Yes, Well as you know I'm Mr. Burns." Burns walks to the group of people. "Now I have some bad news for you all. There is a meteor the size of North Carolina headed for Springfield. I built a bunker in the basement strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, we will repopulate and re-civilize the planet." Everyone is staring in disbelief. Mr. Burns laughs. "I'm sorry. I couldn't resist! Could you imagine if I was like that? Me, sharing?!" He walks to the table.

"A joke! He made a joke." Dr. Nick laughs.

Mr. Burns gestures at the table. "Everyone, please have a seat. Kang and Kodos, you can sit over here."

"How do you know us? We are not aquantices!" Kang shouts.

"Ah, there are no secrets here. Well there is one, one last secret. And it involves all of you. " Mr. Burns tells the group.

"I'm getting all goosey pimply!" Dr. Nick said incorrectly phrased.

Disco Stu walks in. "Did Disco Stu miss anything?"

"No, we were just cutting to the chase." He laughs. "No? Nothing. Not even a giggle? Well you'll laugh later. Now, as you know, the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs or winning the state lottery are astronomical, millions to one. A serious person doesn't even bother, but today you have the chance of playing a game where the odds of winning are one in six. One in six. It's one throw of the dice." Mr. Burns tosses the dice across the table, Smithers enters the room with some papers. "Ah, Smithers. Good, now he insists that all of you sign these waivers, absolving the casino from any responsibility or damages. Blah Blah Blah. "

While Mr. Burns tells the racers to sign, people are watching them, placing bets on who will win. "Who do you like Moe?" Lenny asked

"My bets on Homer. He'll do anything for money... Or food. Or beer. Or a piece of paper." Moe thinks. "He'll basically do anything for anything!"

"Yeah, but I think those aliens will win. They might have some sort of UFO or something!"

Back in the room--

"Now, not to far from here in out rival city of Shelbyville--"

"Boo!!" Homer shouts.

Burns stares at Homer. "Thank you for that...there is a train station. In that train station there is some lockers. In locker 001, there is a red duffel bag. Inside the red duffel bag there is 2 Million Dollars. First one there keeps it all. Mr. Smithers, do you have the keys?" Smithers hands everyone their keys. "Six identical keys, all open locker 001. And that's about it. Oh! I almost forgot. I put little tracking devices in your keychains so I can keep track of you." Homer jingles the keys and laughs. "Ready? Go."

"What are you doing here, you--you can't just pick people at random!" Krusty said.

"I can do anything I want, I'm rich." Burns takes money out of his suit pocket and waves it around. "Go!!"

"Wait, so it's like a race?" Patty asks.

"A race?" Homer giggles girlishly. "I hope I win."

"What are the regulations to this racing of the people?" Kodos asks.

"There is only one rule. Are you ready, here it is: There are no rules. Go!" Mr. Burns proclaims.

"So when you say go, we can just go?" Selma asks.

"Uh, commence, Start moving. Theoretically, you have been racing for about 30 seconds. So far, Disco Stu is winning because he's nearest to the door." Mr. Burns sighs and pulls out a gun and attempts to pull the trigger, but is too weak. "Smithers, could you?"

Smithers walks over to Burns. "Of course sir." Smithers pulls the trigger and everyone jumps. A small piece of the ceiling breaks off and hits Mr. Burns in the head, knocking him to the ground. "Sir, are you okay?"

"Yes, but if you don't mind I think I'll stay here for a while." Burns says weakly from the ground.


	4. Chapter 4: And They're Off!

**Chapter Four:And They're Off!**

After the mini-freak out, the gang gathers near an elevator in the hall, talking about what they are going to do. Most of them, anyway.

"It's a race! When you are racing, you must be limber." Dr. Nick says jogging in place "Breathing is good. Carbohydrates are good. Pasta!" Dr. Nick runs off to the end of the hall and jogs in place some more.

"This is a joke. It's gotta be!" Krusty says in disbelief "and believe me, I know jokes!" No one laughs. "That was a joke people, come on!!"

Selma pulls out a cigarette. "What kind of person gives away 2 Million Dollars?" Selma asks.

"Maybe it's a publicity stunt." Patty replies.

"What kind of publicity? Burns swore us all to secrecy!" Selma says. Dr. Nick runs by to the other end of the hall.

"Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt!" Homer says without thinking.

"There's no such thing as a SECRET publicity stunt, you idiot!" Krusty yells at Homer.

"There could be..." Homer says to himself.

"Well, whatever's goin' on, count Disco Stu out! I've got a one way ticket to partyville!" Dr. Nick runs by again, this time stopping to do odd looking push ups.

"Yeah! I'm here with my family and there's no place I'd rather be than with them!" Homer pauses. "Except for Moe's."

"So you humans are not commencing in the running of the feet?" Kang asks.

"Nope." Patty says as do all the others.

Just then, Homer had an idea. '_Okay Homer, if you just run down the stairs REALLY fast, you can get a good head start. Make an excuse_.' He thought. "Well...I'm going to go take the stairs." Homer runs, giving away what he's really going down the stairs for.

Krusty backs away slowly. "I'm going to take the stairs too. I'm gotta get out of here or I'm going to miss my moolah...I mean BUS!" Krusty runs for the stairs, as do the others. Except for Dr. Nick who is still working out in the hallway.

Homer runs down the stairs, pausing for a moment when he sees the rest of the racers following him. "Do'h!" He runs faster. Krusty is right behind him. Patty and Selma are not too far behind."Put down the cigarette and come on!" Selma shouts. Kang and Kodos are the slowest as they slithered down the steps.

Disco Stu however, isn't even trying. He's in the elevator on his way to the lobby. A man walks up to the elevator. Stu holds the door for him. "Hop on in, Disco Stu is in no hurry to go!" Dr. Nick is still exercising.

Homer trips and falls against the wall. He manages to take down Krusty who took down Patty and Selma. Kang and Kodos tripped all on their own.

Homer struggles to get loose then stops to speak. "Wait! What the hell are we doing? We're human beings...mostly." He looks at Kang and Kodos. "Why don't we just split the money fifty-fifty?" Homer says.

"Fifty-Fifty?" Krusty asks, seeing as there were more than two people.

"You know, fifty-fifty-fifty-fifty... you get it!"

"Yes, excellent idea!" Kang exclaims

Just then, Dr. Nick comes running down the stairs, unaware of anything that just happened. "It's a race! It's a race! I'm winning! I'm winning!!"

"D'oh!!" Homer shouts as everyone rushes to get up.

"And they're off!" Mr. Burns said as he watches the racers' every move on a bunch of monitors in his penthouse. "No one is offering you action like this. A horse race with animals who can cheat and lie and play dirty! It's the gambling experience of a lifetime. And I understand men like you."

"You'd be the only one." Moe said sadly under his breath.

"I know what you want. I know what you need. This casino, my casino. Is where you belong." Mr. Burns smiles evilly.


	5. Chapter 5: Unforseen Circumstances

**Chapter Five:Unforseen Circumstances**

Krusty charges out of the doors of the casino. He shoves a person who is about to get into a taxi. "Out of my way! Driver. Take me to the airport, now!" Krusty says as he gets in.

"You got it." The taxi driver says. Although it really isn't a taxi driver, it is in fact, Sideshow Bob. He was released from prison and took up taxi driving to make money for his next big attempt at killing Bart.

Patty and Selma are the next ones out the doors of the casino. "Where'd we park the car?" Selma asked, looking around.

"I don't remember!" Patty looks down. "Follow the cigarette butts! It'll lead us to our car!"

Meanwhile, Homer is trying to convince Marge to go let him go to Shelbyville.

"Marge, I have to go to Shelbyville, now."

"Why, Homie? We just got here!" Marge cradles Maggie in her arms.

"Well..." '_Think Homer think! What's a good excuse? All you can eat buffet opening? No, used it. Carnival? Too obvious.'_

"Well, Homer?"

"Hmm?" Homer's train of thought is interrupted. "Oh...Mr. Burns wants me to go to the new plant opening there?"

Marge looks confused. "You said that like it's a question."

"Did I? That's...because I'm..."

"He's asking you if he can go to Shelbyville." Bart chimes in.

"Thanks boy." Homer whispers to Bart.

"Well...okay. But we're going too!" Marge says.

"What? No!" Homer shouts.

"Why not Dad?" Lisa asks.

"Because...we already paid for the room. Now who's wasting money?" He mocks Marge as he goes to the door.

Marge stops him. "I really think we should go with you, It'll be a good family outing."

Homer looks around the room and sees everyone staring at him, even Maggie. "Ohhhhh, all right. Have the bellboy bring the car around." Homer gives her the keys and whines. "I blame you, boy." He points to Bart.

"What did I do?"

Homer thinks. "I'll think of something!"

Dr. Nick is running frantically through the lobby. He stops. "This looks like a good time to take this experimental speed enhancing pill to enhance my speed!" He takes the pill but realizes something. "Hey, this isn't a experimental speed enhancing pill, this is sleeping pill. Who has my experimental speed enhancing pills then?"

Cut to nursing home. Grandpa Simpson is running around the home wildly. "Whoo-wee! These pills sure get me-a goin!! I can go on like this fer--" He falls asleep

Back to the race, Dr. Nick is sleeping in the lobby, standing up. Everyone in Mr. Burns penthouse is watching and wondering what happened. "What the--he's sleepin'!" Moe yells.

"This is an outrage!!" Sideshow Mel proclaims.

Mr. Burns passes by. "I'm sorry gentlemen, all bets have been locked in." Mr. Burns laughs maniacally and walks away.

Kang and Kodos are slowly but surely rolling down the street in their UFO. They have simply attached some wheels to it and hoped for the best.

Kang pushes some buttons. "Make this thing go faster, Kodos! If it can travel in lightspeed through galaxies, in could surely make it's way though an earth road with haste!"

Kodos waves his tentacle in Kang's face. "Don't make me turn this interstellar space vehicle around, Kang!"

Homer and family are zooming in Homer's car. "Where's my video game?" Bart asks.

"I think Maggie has it!" Lisa says, looking at Maggie.

"Maggie, that's not for you, give me the game." Bart reaches for the gameboy.

Maggie takes out her pacifier and hisses at Bart. Bart scoots away from Maggie slowly.

"Seat belts everyone!" Marge says. "What's the rush, Homer?"

"I can't be late. I won't be late, it's the opportunity of a lifetime." Homer stares at the road.

Krusty is still unaware of the fact that he is in the hands of Sideshow Bob. He makes it to the airport without being killed. "Here ya go pal!" He hands him a fifty. Krusty runs for the doors of the airport.

"Thank you very much sir!" Bob looks at the fifty to see if it's real and realizes something. "That voice...it's so familiar." Bob's head flies up. "That was Krusty! I had him in my cab, and I let him go. What a buffoon I am!" He hits his head against the wheel.

Nelson rides by on his bike. "Haw-haw!!"

Patty and Selma are already in a plane, waiting to take off. Unfortunately, there was a unforeseen incident.

"No!! No, we don't want our windshield washed! Thank you!!" The pilot of the aircraft yells to a hobo that has wandered onto the airstrip. The hobo continues to squeegee the windsheild.

Kang and Kodos have been slowed down. They may be superintelligent beings from another planet, but they know nothing of earth directions.

"Where is this 'Airport' that these humans speak of?" Kang flips the map upside down to see if he can make better sense of it.


	6. Chapter 6: Stu Swings and Aliens Angered

**Chapter Six:Stu Swings And Alien Angered**

Homer and family pull into the airport, nearly hitting another persons car. They rush into the airport, running to the ticket desk. Disco Stu is sitting down, watching everyone rush to the counter for tickets. "Chumps. You won't find Disco Stu doin' what they do!" He takes the key from his pocket and throws it into the trash can. He looks over and sees a woman reading a book. '_Oh, Disco Stu has got to make a move! Yeah!.' _He walks over to her. "What's up, foxy lady?"

"I don't have any change." She says while still reading.

"Wha--No, no. Disco Stu needs no quarters!"

"Did you just say Disco Stu?" She closes her book and looks up.

"Yes. Because that's my name, OH!" Disco Stu busts a move in the airport.

She laughs. "Well, you're certainly living up to your name."

"And what's yours, babe?"

"Dinah. Dinah Faucet."

"Well, Dinah, how about Disco Stu treats you to a drink or two?" He asks.

"Oh, I can't, I'm flying." Dinah points to the sky.

"But it'll soothe your soul."

"No I'm flying, I'm a pilot." Dinah clarifies.

"Oh, Disco Stu understands."

"Excuse me." Dinah puts down her book and walks away.

"Disco Stu was so close!" He slumps back down into the seat that Dinah was sitting in.

Patty and Selma's pilots are still trying to get rid of the hobo cleaning the windshield.

"Okay! It's clean, we get it!!" The pilot screams at the hobo. The hobo slowly squeegees down the windshield.

"What are we gonna do?" The copilot asks.

"I say we lure him away with food."

"What do hobos eat?"

"What? They eat food! They're not another species!!"

Patty and Selma groan and slink into their seats.

Homer has finally made it to the front of the line. "Five tickets to Shelbyville. Near the front of the plane! Hurry up!" The lady hands him the tickets. "Come on!"

Kang and Kodos cut in front of the line.

"Hey, I was next!" A man yells in anger.

"No you were not, we were the ones who are to be purchasing flight tickets next." Kodos tells the man.

"I've been waiting in line for over an hour!"

"Excuse me, is that the correct earth time?" Kang points to a clock. The ticket lady turns and Kodos blasts the man with a ray gun, disintegrating him.

"Who was next?" Ticket lady asks.

"They were!!" Everyone says simultaneously.

"Two air tickets to Shelbyville." Kodos tells her.

"Oh, sorry." She types in the computer. "We're completely booked."

"Well, that is it brother. We are stuck on this absurd planet for eternity." Kodos starts to slither away. Kang pulls him back.

"We are most certainly not giving up. If we do not partake in air travel, no one will." They laugh maniacally until they realize that everyone is staring at them. They slither away.


	7. Chapter 7: Wreckless Wrath

**Chapter Seven:Wreckless Wrath**

Shortly after, Kang and Kodos wheel their UFO out to the transmission tower for the airport. Kang stays in the spacecraft as Kodos goes to attach a rope to the top of the tower to prevent all planes from moving out. Kodos climbs up and throws the rope towards the top. The hook attaches to it. "I have got it!" He yells out to Kang in the UFO. But, just then, the light turns on and it begins to rotate.

"That cannot be good." Indeed it isn't. The rope winds around and drags the spacecraft through the fence. Kang is cursing in an alien language, Kodos is climbing down, unaware of the fact that he is in danger. The UFO clangs into the tower. Kodos looks down and screams. He starts to climb up but stops when he can't get any higher.

"Brother, I beg you, stop the interstellar spacecraft!!" Kodos shouts down.

Kang tries his best. "I cannot! We are being attracted to the tower because of the rope."

Kodos slips and falls flat on his face on top of the UFO. He slides off and falls on the ground. The rope breaks and the UFO falls to the ground, barely missing Kodos. Kang goes flying out a window, landing next to Kodos.

"Brother, I think we need an alternate plan." Kang tells Kodos.

"I agree, but allow me to have some time."

"To contemplate?"

"No, to get the feeling back in my tentacles."

Nelson rides by them this time. "Haw-haw!!" He rides off.

But even though they thought they had failed, in reality they succeeded in freezing all flights. They announce this to all of the people in the airport. Homer and family hear this, as well as a few other racers.

"D'oh!" Homer jumps up. "We have to go, come on!" Homer grabs Marge's hand and jerks her out of her seat.

"But what about our bags?" Lisa asks.

"Leave em! We gotta go now!!" Homer shouts back.

They run past Disco Stu and out the door.

Krusty is close behind the Simpsons. He gets in a cab. "East, and hurry!!"

Sideshow Bob smiles evilly. "East it is...friend." He chuckles and drives off.

Kang and Kodos, having wrecked their UFO, are attempting to rent a car.

"Uh...where was this license issued?" The dealer asks.

"In Ragelle."

"Where is that, Canada?"

"No, it is millions of lightyears away from your--" Kodos stops, almost revealing where he is from. "I mean, yes, Canada. That is where my license was issued." The dealer stares at Kodos.

Stu is still sitting where Dinah was. She comes back and sits next to him.

"Oh, you're still here." She says.

Stu looks up. "Yeah, looks like you are stuck here too."

"Naw, I'm flying."

He looks at the monitors and back at her. "But Disco Stu just heard all the flights were frozen!"

"No, I fly a chopper. We use a different system."

"Oh...Oh!" Stu thinks. "You can totally fly, while the other cats can't?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Stu jumps out of the chair and runs for the trash can where he threw the key. He throws out it's contents like crazy, looking for the key.

Meanwhile, back at the casino, Mr. Burns and company are putting on bets while waiting on the race to finish. Smithers picks up a chocolate and eats it. He spits it out.

"Toothpaste?" He spits some more. "What's toothpaste doing in--"

"Toothpaste!" Burns shouts. "Who had toothpaste?" No one replies. "Oh, wait. I did! More money for me!" Mr. Burns grabs the pile of cash and heads for a room. "No one disturb me, I'm taking a bath...of money!" He laughs and slams the door.


	8. Chapter 8: Wreckless Wrath: Aftermath

**Chapter Eight:Wreckless Wrath Aftermath**

The Simpsons are back on the road again, thanks to Kang and Kodos' attack on the airport's transmission tower. Bart sees a car pass by.

"Whoa! That's the kind of car I want!" Bart says, still looking out the window.

"Don't count on it boy." Homer says.

"Why not, dad?"

"Because the Volkswagen Beetle was used by the Nazis, Bart." Lisa says as she closes the book she was reading. "Right dad?"

Homer nods his head. "Damn straight!"

"Homer! Watch your language in front of the kids. Especially Maggie."

"Why should I, it's not like she can understand me. She's just a baby." Homer looks back at Maggie who is wiggling in her seat. "Uh-oh. Marge, I think Maggie just soiled herself." Homer sniffs. "Oh, God! Yep, she definitely did!"

"Oh no! I left the diapers at the airport!!" Marge says after looking around for the diapers. "What are we going to do?"

"Don't worry Marge, I got this." Homer turns his head slightly to the right. "Bart, do you see any newspaper back there?" Homer asks.

"Lets see..." Bart rummages through the garbage on the floor. "Krusty Burger wrapper, Arbys wrapper, Burger King wrapper, McDonald's wrapper, Wendy's wrapper--Ew!! There's still food in this one!" Bart looks at the nasty burger.

"Ooooh, gimme gimme gimme!" Homer reaches in the backseat and grabs the old burger from Bart's hand and puts the whole thing in his mouth. He noisily chews and swallows. "Mmmmmmm, aged hamburger" Homer drools.

Bart picks up some newspaper. "Found some newspaper dad!" Bart shouts to Homer.

"Good job boy. Now put that on Maggie and get rid of the old diaper."

"How dad? Where would we put it, we're in a car." Lisa interrupts.

"Easy, we throw it out the window."

"Dad! You can't do that, it's littering...and disgusting." Lisa says.

"Too late." Bart rolls up the window.

"Bart! How could you do that?"

"Eh, I had a reason." He starts to laugh.

He threw the diaper out the window because he saw a police car behind them. They aren't in trouble, Bart just wanted to cause some.

The diaper slams against the police car's windshield. Wiggum was the unfortunate cop inside. "Whoa! Aw man, not again!" Wiggum swerves off and on the road. He turns on the siren and lights, pulling Homer over.

Nelson rides by. "Haw-haw!!"

"D'oh!" Bart is laughing like crazy in the backseat. Homer realizes why they're being pulled over. "Why you little!!" He starts to choke Bart.

Meanwhile, Krusty is still in the hands of the homicidal Sideshow Bob. "Shelbyville train station it is, Krusty."

Krusty leans forward. "Hey, how did you know my name? You're not stalking me, are you? Oh crap, I don't owe you money do I?"

"No, no. Not at all. I just recognized you from the television, that is all. I mean, who doesn't know who you are?" Bob chuckles.

"Yeah, that's a good point." Krusty scratches his head. "You know, Shelbyville Train Station is pretty far away, you don't mind, do you?" He asks.

"Not at all." '_For in the end, it will be I who will have the last laugh, clown. Hahahah.'_ Bob takes out a notepad. On it reads: **Ways to kill Krusty: 1.) Strangle 2.)Stab 3.) Poison 4.)Strand in the middle of desert. '**_Hmmm, number four seems suitable for this situation.'_

While this was happening, Homer is trying to explain the whole thing to Wiggum. Lou is scraping the you-know-what off of the car as they do. "You see, officer, we had no other place to put our poo--I mean the baby's poo, not ours! But the stupid boy--"

"Hey!!" Bart shouts.

"--Threw it out the window before I could do something."

"If that's true, then you're in big trouble young man." Wiggum says to Bart.

"What if I..." Bart once again rummages through the garbage. He finds another burger on the ground. "Give you this delicious burger?" Bart holds it out to Wiggum.

Wiggum stares at it. "Done!!" Wiggum takes the burger and immediately starts to eat it. "Have a good day folks." He says with his mouth full. He gets in the police car and drives off.

"Good job boy." Homer high-fives Bart. Marge and Lisa groan.

Back with Krusty and Sideshow Bob, Bob has driven them out into the middle of nowhere. Krusty looks out the window. "Where the hell are we?"

"Oh, don't worry. It's just a little shortcut that I know of." '_Yes, a shortcut to your Doom! Muahahaha.'_

"So...uh. What is this going to cost, anyway?" Krusty takes out his wallet.

"Oh, nothing. Just your...Life!!" Bob stops the car and turns to face Krusty. Krusty appears to be unphased by this.

Krusty blinks a few times. "Do I know you?"

"What?" Bob says, shocked. "You don't remember? It's me, Bob!" Krusty still doesn't remember. "You shot me out of the canon many, many unsuccessful times. Each resulting in massive burns and a damaged ego."

"Oh, you! Now I remember. You're that jerk who framed me and got me sent to prison!"

"Yes, I tried to, anyway. But young Bart Simpson stopped me. And, after I eliminate you, I'm going after him!" Bob gets out and opens up the door on Krusty's side. They struggle. Eventually, Bob manages to get Krusty out of the cab. He locks the doors and drives off. "Now, to Bartholomew." He laughs maniacally.

Krusty, being stranded now, starts to walk off into the desert. "Great, now I'm lost! Note to self: Never piss of Sideshow Mel!"

Nelson rides by again, somehow in the desert now. "Haw-haw!!"

Patty and Selma, having to get off their plane, are also back on the road. Unfortunately, they are lost. They see a little stand by the road with a sign that says: Cats For Sale! They pull up to it to ask the lady at the stand for directions.

"Excuse me, is anyone here?" Selma says. "Jeez, would'ya look at this dump? Cats everywhere."

The owner of the stand, The Crazy Cat Lady, comes out yelling and throwing cats. Patty and Selma roll up their windows, leaving a little still rolled down to talk to her. "Yaayahawahahawahhh!!"--**TRANSLATION****: What'dya want ya hippies?!**

Patty and Selma look at each other, confused. "What do you think she said, Patty?"

"Probably wants to sell us some cats. We don't want any cats."

"Shaaaaaha-gaaawhaaaya!!"--**TRANSLATION****: Then get the hell off of my property!!**

"Oooookaaay...we need directions. We are lost!" Selma says slowly and clearly.

"Yahooya-shaminayagada-baahahayalahooyamanahaa-shooohashayaaaaaaa-googahaadaaamanananayaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa!!"--**TRANSLATION****: Leave!! **She throws a cat at the back window which is rolled down.

"We don't want a freaking cat, lady!" Patty yells.

"Wait, look! She strapped some directions to the cat." Selma takes the directions off the cat and read it. "It says: make a left at Totem Pole Ranch. Go 3 miles and go up a big hill. You'll see a big yellow sign with some graffiti on it. Take the dirt road on the right. It'll take you to the interstate."

"Should we trust her?" Patty asks.

"Why the hell not, we're already lost!" She turns to the cat lady. "Thanks freak!"

The two drive off, throwing the cat out of the car. The cat lady is screaming at the top of her lungs. "Yagahh!!"--**TRANSLATION****: You should have bought a cat!! Now you are doomed!!**

But, in the lead is Disco Stu in Dinah's chopper.

"So, I'll drop you off at the hospital's parking lot, okay?" Dinah says to Stu who is staring out the window. "Stu?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. The hospital, groovy!" Stu says, almost forgetting about what he told her to get the ride in the first place.

"So what happened to your grandpa again?"

Stu looks at Dinah. "What?"

"Your grandfather. You said something happened that needed hospital attention?"

"Oh, let's just say he busted more than a groove on the dance floor." Stu attempts to dance, but is strapped down in his seat.

"Ah. Disco runs in the family, then?" Dinah asks.

"Oh yeah!"

Krusty is still wandering aimlessly in the hot, hot desert. "Where the hell am I?" He falls to his knees and practically starts to cry. "I'm going to die out here!" He gets up and continues to wander through the desert.

Homer and family are rolling down the road. The children are getting restless. "Dad, can we stop somewhere? My legs are asleep!"

"Maybe I can help Lise!" Bart takes out a tack.

"Dad!!" Lisa moves out of Bart's way as he tries to stab her with the tack.

Homer's eyes are twitching. He can't take it anymore. "Shut up! Shut up both of you!!"

Marge snaps. "Homer! Don't talk to your kids like that!"

"Sorry. I'm sorry kids. I didn't mean it."

"It's okay dad, we're all a little restless. I really think we should stop somewhere though." Lisa looks at Bart who's about to stick her with the tack.

"Well...I don't know." '_Homer, don't do it! This money could change everything! You have to keep going.' _"Sorry, we have to keep going."

"Homie, I really think we should stop someplace." Marge says sweetly.

Homer refuses. "Nope, sorry."

Marge intensifies. "Homer, we need to stop."

"Really can't do that Marge, sorry."

"Stop the car!!" Marge yells.

"Noooooooooooo--" Homer yells until Marge takes the wheel and practically drives them into a ditch. "Okay okay, fine. We'll stop and the next...stop thingy."

"Dad, look! A Malibu Stacy museum!!"

"D'oh!!"


	9. Chapter 9: Malibu Stacy Museum

**Chapter Nine:Malibu Stacy Museum**

The Simpsons are now in the Malibu Stacy Museum, but it isn't what they thought it was. They follow a tour guide through the musuem. "Stacy. Often times called Malibu Stacy." The goth looking tour guide says plainly. "Famous for the slaughter of the Malibians." The second tour guide leans over and whispers into the other's ear. "Sorry. The people of Malibu. Let the people talk about his so-called crimes against humanity." The Simpsons stand in shock at what they are hearing. Lisa looks like she's about to cry. Bart is the only one who seems to be enjoying this. "This museum is dedicated to the Stacy that no one knew."

The second tour guide takes over. "The husband, the father, and the ballroom dancer." Homer whips his head in the direction of the tour guide quickly.

Kang and Kodos, now being back on the road, are catching up quickly to some of the others. Kang spots Homer's car. "Look Kodos, I believe that is the round ones car!" He points a tentacle to the pink car.

"How do you propose we slow him down?" Kodos asks.

"Leave that to me..."

Back in the museum, Homer and family have had all they can take. They slowly start to back away. "...Stacy joined the SS early in his life." The second tour guide said, finishing his part of the tour. The first tour guide comes back.

"And now if you follow me, you'll see Hitler's car." The tour guides see the Simpsons leaving. "You're leaving?"

"Ummm..." Homer turns and faces them. "Well, you see, we, uh...have a...a..." He stutters.

"A book burning to go to!" Bart says.

"Yeah! And then we have to go to Christining for one of our friends. Our non-Jewish friends." Homer says quickly, trying to make the lie better.

"One of our relatives, actually." Marge says pushing the kids out the door. Bart tries to get back in. He obviously wants to see Hitler's car again.

"The Dooffen-Shmirtzen-Van...uh, gotta go!!" Homer runs out the door. He runs back in. "yoink!!" He takes a souvenir and runs back out. Homer gets in the car and tries to start it. It doesn't start. "What the?" He gets out and opens the hood. "We've been sabotaged! Yah!!" He kicks the car and screams in pain. He falls to the ground, clutching his foot in pain.

Nelson rides by "Haw-haw!!"

"What do we do now?" Lisa asks.

Kang and Kodos are still driving, but now are lost. "Good work disabling the round ones motor vehicle." Kodos says.

"Thank you." Kang throws some of parts of Homer's car out the window. "Now, I say we take the interstate." He puts the map away.

Kodos responds. "No, we should progress on Highway number twelve. It is a shortcut."

"But it could be a road made of dirt for all we know!"

"Okay, then mister-smart-alien! Since there are two of us, why don't we separate?"

"Genius! You steal a human's mode of transportation and we both make our way to Shelbyville."

"Yes...and double the chances of entering Shelbyville first!" They laugh for a few seconds. "Yes, you take the--" Kodos holds up the key. "Wait...there is only one key!" They look at the key, thinking.

Patty and Selma have found the Totem Pole Ranch. "Look!" Patty points to the Totem Pole Ranch sign with her cigarette.

"Totem Pole Ranch! Good going cat lady." They turn left.

The Simpsons are back on the road, but with one little difference. They are in Hitler's car. "Dad! I can't believe you stole Hitler's car!" Bart says feeling the seats of the car.

"Yeah, well, Hitler had it coming to him!" Homer laughs. "What goes around comes around."

"Dad, they're gonna be pissed at you!" Bart says.

"Son, there's something about Nazis you don't understand." Homer turns his head to the backseat to Bart. "It's like their job to be pissed!" Homer and Bart laugh.

Lisa is obviously getting nervous at the fact that Homer isn't watching the road. She is clutching tightly to the seats. "Da, watch the road!!" She yells.

"Geez, Lisa. Calm down, I'm not stupid, I drive like this all the time! Look I'm doing fine." Homer chuckles.

"Really?" Bart points to a stop sign they're about to hit.

Homer shrieks and grabs the wheel. He nearly misses the sign. He sighs. "See, Lisa, everything's fine." Marge groans.

**I just want to say thanks to Depthmon who corrected me on the Malibu Stacy thing. Originally I had Barbie Museum. But it was Malibu Stacy. Thanks again!**


	10. Chapter 10: Copter Chaos & Lotsa Lucys

**Chapter Ten:Copter Chaos and Lotsa Lucys**

Disco Stu and Dinah are high in the sky. Dinah has made a slight turn in direction. Stu sees this on the dashboard of the copter. "North?"

"Oh, its just a little detour. But, don't worry, it won't take long. I just wanted to say hi to my boyfriend."

"Oh, groovy." '_Boyfriend? Note to self: abort plan to date foxy lady.'_

Dinah flies over her boyfriend's house, Sean, and sees a car in the driveway. "Wha--that's Darlene's car!" She says, looking down at the car in the driveway.

"Uh, Darlene?" Stu asks.

"That's his ex-girlfriend...or so I thought!!" Dinah flies over the house and towards the backyard.

"Look, I'm sure she just came to pick up some stuff! Some clothes...or a shoe or two" Stu sees Darlene in a pool with Sean. "Or a bathing suit..."

Dinah turns and growls at Stu. He edges away from her. He flies down to Sean. He sees the helicopter and knows who the pilot is. "Oh, honey! What...uh, what are you doing here?" He shouts to Dinah.

"Did I come at a bad time asshole?!" Dinah starts to fly lower. Sean and Darlene are trying to get out of the pool. "Let me help you honey!" She uses the bottom of the copter to cut the edge of the backyard pool. The water goes spilling out along with Sean and Darlene who slam up against the side of the house. Dinah is laughing maniacally in the copter. She flies back to the driveway and hovers high over Sean's truck. "This'll teach him!" She picks up a wrench.

"Oh, no don't!" Stu tries to stop her, but with no success. She drops the wrench on Sean's truck. "Not cool, babe. Not cool."

"Don't tell me what's cool!!" She picks up a can of paint and throws it out the copter. It lands on the truck and yellow paint spreads over the truck. She throws a paintbrush down too, but she misses the truck. Sean comes running out and sees what she's done.

"No!! Not my truck! Not Cheryl!"

"He named his truck Cheryl?" Stu can't help but say.

Sean gets in the truck and attempts to drive away, but Dinah follows him. "Where are you going sweatpea!? Come back!! I just want to talk to you!!" Dinah yells as she follows him down the road. Stu is gripping the seat of the copter holding on for his life. As she chases him she continues to yell at him. "I'm getting the tatoo removed!!"

"What in the name of disco do you think you're doing?" Stu asks Dinah.

"Don't worry about me, I've been flying since I was 14!"

"I was worried about me! But now I feel a little better..."

Dinah continues to chase Sean down the road. They go past Wiggum who stopped offside the road to rest. He wasn't feeling to good after eating that hamburger.

Lou watches as the copter zooms by. "Uh, chief? A car being chased by a helicopter flew by, maybe we should--"

"I'm sure it did, Lou. I'm sure it did." Wiggum said not caring.

Sean drives off the road and into the desert. Shortly after he does, he crashes. In the helicopter, things are going downhill. There is a constant beeping sound. Dinah looks at the dashboard. "Uh-oh."

"'Uh-oh?' No, no. Disco Stu says fix that uh-oh!!"

"We're going down hold on!" Stu grabs on to Dinah. "Not on me!" Stu lets go. The helicopter crashes to the ground.

Nelson rides by. "Haw-haw!!"

Dinah tries starting it up. "Gah! It's no use." Dinah sees Sean's truck. "Let's keep going."

"Keep going? With what? This helicopter is totally busted." Dinah points to Sean's truck. "No! No way, Disco Stu is no thief!" Dinah gets out, Stu doesn't notice. "You can take that truck, but I--wha?" Stu turns and sees Dinah running to Sean's truck.

She opens the door and throws Sean out. He regains consciousness. "Hey, what the hell are you doing? That's my--" Dinah punches him. He falls to the ground. "We're...through." He passes out.

_'What should I do? Should I stay and get arrested or get 2 Million? Man that's a bogus question!!' _"Dinah, wait!" Stu gets out of the broken copter and runs to the truck. He gets in. "I'm coming with you, babe."

"Groovy." Dinah says. Stu smiles and turns his head to the window.

Krusty, after wandering through the desert, has finally stumbled on a rest stop. "Oh, thank you!!" Krusty giggles insanely and runs to a water fountain. He drinks wildly from it.

Near the fountain are two ladies with red hair and polka dotted dresses. "Where's the driver?"

"He's in the bathroom. Oh, hell's bells! We'll never make it to Shelbyville at this rate!" Krusty hears this and runs to the bathroom. He sees the driver at the sink. He slams the door and shocks the bus driver.

"Ah! Hey...you're Krusty the Clown, right?" The driver says.

"Yeah yeah...hey hey and that crap. Listen, can I borrow--" Krusty tries to talk to him.

The driver interrupts Krusty. "Man, did you humiliate yourself! Cursing in front of all those kids." The driver laughs. Krusty is grinding his teeth in anger. "I wouldn't be surprised if you get canceled!"

Krusty snaps and knocks out the bus driver. "I've been canceled so many times, I stopped caring, pal!"

Minutes later, Krusty walks out wearing the driver's uniform. One of the ladies walks up to him. "Hey, where's Gary?"

"Who's Gary? Oh, the driver, yeah, he...uh..." Krusty thinks. "his wife's having a baby."

"Oh, lovely!"

"I'm Krusty, hey hey! And I'll be your new driver. Now get on the freaking bus!!" Krusty yells to the ladies. They get on the bus. Krusty follows. He sits in the driver's seat. '_How the hell do I drive this thing?'_

One lady stands in front and talks to the ladies on the bus. "Everyone say hello to our new driver, Krusty!"

"Hellllloooooooo!!" All the ladies say in unison. Krusty turns around and is in shock. All of the ladies are dressed in polka dotted and striped dresses. They all have red hair as well.

"Next stop: The Third annual 'I Love Lucy' convention in Shelbyville!! What do you say, Lucies?"

"Ba-Ba-Looooo!!. They all say in unison.

_'Ughhhhh, Lucys!!' I'm stuck on a bus with a bunch of Lucies!' _Krusty pushes buttons and eventually gets the bus moving.

Back at the casino, Dr. Nick is still sleeping. He is in dead last. He stands in the middle of a crowd that has gathered around him. "Is he dead?" A little boy asks. He walks over to Dr. Nick and tugs on his sleeve. "Hey mister, are you dead?"

Dr. Nick violently wakes up and scares the crowd away. "A race, It's a race!" He continues running. "I must be fast like greasey lightning!" He runs outside and hails a taxi in the middle of the street.

Barney, who for some reason is driving his snow plow in the middle of summer, was driving down the street. He sees Dr. Nick and slams on the breaks. He hits Dr. Nick who goes flying. "Crap! I think I just killed that rabbit!!" He gets out and runs to Dr. Nick. "Hey...you're not a rabbit!!" He belches.

Dr. Nick springs up from the ground. "Taxi!" He yells out.

"You don't need a taxi, you can ride with me! As long as you don't sue me!!" Barney goes and opens the door for Dr. Nick. "But--" He belches. "I have to be in Shelbyville by tonight, so I'll be driving really fast...and drunkenly."

"Great!" Dr. Nick gets in. Barney closes the door. "Another lawsuit avoided!" He goes to his side of the plow and gets in and drives off.


	11. Chapter 11: Lucys & Keys & Cats, Oh My!

**Chapter Eleven**

Kang and Kodos found a key shop on the road. They entered it and stepped up to the counter. "Excuse us, do you partake in the reproducing of these door opening devices?" Kang holds up a key.

"Uh...if you mean a key, then yes." The squeaky-voiced teen took the key. "Do you want one copy? Because if you get two you get another one for free."

"Only one, we're in a hurry!" Kang says to the boy. The teen turns and goes through the keys on the wall. Kodos talks about their plan. "This is the most ingenious plan you've ever had, Kang."

"Well, I aim to please! Now, remember the plan: You take a key and obtain a motor vehicle. I take the other and we both move ourselves to Shelbyville."

"Yes! And this plan gives us the better odds at receiving the two million dollars that is in locker 001 of the Shelbyville train station!" They both start to laugh. The squeaky voiced teen was listening the whole time. They stop abruptly. "Where is our key?" Kang says to the boy.

"Here you go." The boy hands them the keys.

A few minutes later, Kang and Kodos are in their car. "Now, you take this one and take a human's transportation." Kang says holding up the keys. He looks at them. "Wait a space minute!" Kang holds up the keys. "These door unlocking devices are not identical!"

"We've been outsmarted, Kang!"

"Never!" Kang slams a tentacle down on the dashboard. "Not by humans, at least." The squeaky voiced teen drives by. "It's the proprietor of the shop! We must commence in a chase of vehicles!" Kang starts the car and follows the teen.

Meanwhile, Patty and Selma have found the sign with graffiti. "Oh, look there it is!" Patty says as she turns right. "2 Million Dollars here we come!" When they finish turning right, they start to go quickly down a hill.

"Slow the car down! I can't light my cigarette!!" Selma says trying to light up.

"I can't we're on a hill!"

They continue to go down the hill. As they do they see sign . Each sign has a word on it. They say: **You. Should. Have. Bought. A. Cat!! Yaaaghaaa!! **The two sisters were screaming frantically as they fly off the cliff and land into a massive pile of cars.

Nelson rides by. "Haw-haw!!"

Krusty, still driving the Lucy bus, is getting very annoyed.

"Lucys! Shut up! I don't give a crap what your favorite episode is. And could you please go back to your seats!!" He yells to the two Lucys standing around him. He looks over and sees a Lucy smoking. "Hey, no smoking! Either put it out or give it to me, because I really need a smoke right now!!"

The Lucy throws it into the seat in front of her. Unfortunately, it lands in the hair of another Lucy. Her hair starts to smoke.

The Lucy next to her sees this. "Oh! Oh, Lucy!! Your hair! It's--"

"I know right? It took me forever to get it right, I just--"

"It's on fire!!." The other Lucy yells to the Lucy with burning hair.

Krusty looks in the mirror and sees this. He looks shocked. "Hey, put that out! No smoking wigs in the bus!" He yells back.

Lucys are smacking the head of the poor woman whose hair is on fire, trying to put it out. Krusty keeps yelling at them to put it out. One Lucy gets a good idea. "The toilet!!" She yanks off the hair which was actually just a wig and throws it in the toilet. A gang of Lucys follow. She flushes and it clogs the toilet. Krusty swerves out of the way of a pothole. This sends a shampoo bottle that was on the sink to fall into the overflowing toilet. Suds are filling up the bus now.

Krusty is gripping the wheel with major intensity. "Two million dollars, two million dollars, two million dollars..." He keeps saying over and over. Suds are coming out of the bus as they drive down the road.

Disco Stu and Dinah are now in a diner. "Babe, I gotta tell you something."

Dinah sets down her coffee. "What is it, Stu?"

Stu sighs. "We're racing. This is all just a funky race. My grandad didn't bust a hip. He can't even bust a move, he's dead!"

"We're racing?!" Dinah says in surprise. "Oh my God! I could lose my job! And all of this is for a petty race?" She stands up and stares at Stu.

"Well...its not exactly petty. It's a race for 2 Million Dollars. Mr. Burns set this whole thing up."

She sits down. " Did you just say 2 Million!?"

"Yep." Stu looks down at the table.

"I'm in." She says quickly.

"Psycho chick say what?" Stu says.

"I'm in. I mean...I lost my job, my copter, my boyfriend, why not?" She says.

"Yes! Disco Stu is back on the road! Oh yeah!" Stu busts a move.

"And so is Disco Dinah!!" She jumps up.

"Disco Dinah?" He thinks for a few seconds. "I love it!" They run out and get in Sean's truck and drive off.


	12. Chapter 12: The Race Continues!

**Chapter Twelve:The Race Continues**

The Simpsons are still buzzing down the road in Hitler's car. Bart finds a harmonica in the backseat. "Cool!" He starts to play it.

"That's kinda catchy. Keep it up boy!" Homer starts to hum along with Bart.

"Bart, stop it! You don't know where that's been." Marge says.

"Yes I do, in Hitler's mouth." Bart responds.

"He got you there Marge." Homer says.

"Well stop playing it." She turns to the backseat and grabs the harmonica out of Bart's hands. She opens the glove compartment and throws it in. "Don't touch things that aren't yours. Ooh, look at this lipstick!" Marge takes it out and opens it up.

"And you were saying, Mom?"

"I'm an adult, I can do this." Marge says. She puts on the lipstick. "Homie, give me a kiss." She leans over to Homer.

"Marge, not with Hitler's girlfriend's lipstick! Give me that." He takes it from her, but gets it on his hand. "Look what you did Marge!" He wipes his hand off on the top of the wheel.

Back in Barney's plow, Dr. Nick is slowly making progress. Dr. Nick is singing. "R-E-S-P-E-C- T, find out what it means to me. Respect Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Ju--"

"What the hell are you doing, the radio isn't even on?" Barney says.

Dr. Nick ignores this. "Look at us go, we are zooming!"

"Yup!" Barney belches. "We're hauling ass!!"

"Yes, we are hauling very much ass!" Dr. Nick looks out the window.

"Wanna know what's in the back?" Barney asks.

"Ass?"

"What?! No, no...that's just an expression!" Barney says. "It's a heart."

Dr. Nick stares at him. "A heart?"

"Yeah!" Barney belches. "I was in the hospital being treated for alcohol poisoning and when I was about to leave, they mistook me for a delivery man. They asked me to take this heart to Shelbyville as fast as I could. I said no, but then they offered me money and I had to say yes! So after a few drinks, I was on my way." Dr. Nick looks back out the window. "You wanna take a look?"

"Please, I am a doctor. I have seen many hearts in my time."

"Well, I wanna see it!!" Barney reaches back. The plow swerves off the road. "Grab the wheel!" Dr. Nick grabs the wheel and steers. Barney opens the container. There lies the heart. Barney is in awe. Dr. Nick, trying to drive, hits a large pothole. The heart bounces out of the container and onto the floor. "Oh crap!! Grab it!"

"I got it!" Dr. Nick says. He searches for it. Barney takes control of the plow again.

"Please don't step on it!!"

"I found it!" Dr. Nick proclaims.

"No, that's a caramel apple! Ooh, I'll take that!" Barney grabs the apple and chows down. "Find it!"

Disco Stu and Dinah are on the side of the road. Their truck ran out of gas. "Look, a cop car. Let's siphon their gas!" Disco Dinah says.

"No way, babe. That is one thing Disco Stu refuses to do!" He looks over. "Babe?" Dinah was already out of the truck and at the cop car. "Of course..." He gets out and helps her.

"Open this!" She hands him the gas can. He starts sucking on the hose that was attached to the cop car.

"Heh, this is totally turning me on."

"Just put the gas into the can!" She hands him the hose which is spewing gas.

The cop car that they were siphoning gas from was none other than Wiggum's car. He wakes up and gets out. "Hey! What's going on out here?" He walks to Stu and Dinah.

"Oh, he's...he's had too many cups of coffee." She says.

"Way too many!" Stu says.

"And you're peeing into a gas can?" Wiggum asks. They nod their heads at him. "Well, if anyone knows what that feels like it sure is me! Oh, speaking of which...can I, uh, use that gas can when you're done?" He starts to dance around a little.

"Yeah, why not?" Dinah says hesitantly.

Just then, the squeaky voiced teen followed by Kang and Kodos zoom on by. "Son of a--" Wiggum gets in his car. "Time for one of those cool chase-y thingies! Let's roll Lou!" Wiggum turns on the sirens and pulls out. Stu and Dinah fill up their tank and drive off.

Kang sees Wiggum behind him. "We are being followed by the police, Kodos."

"Never fear, they will never catch us!!" Kodos says.

Wiggum's car runs out of gas shortly after. "Crap! Lou, I told you to fill her up! You know, its just one of those days, isn't it?" Wiggum looks at Lou. "Start pushin'."

Nelson rides by "Haw-haw!!"

"They are stopping!" Kang says looking back.

"I told you they are no match for us extra terrestrial beings! Now to catch the key shop proprietor." They continue to chase the teen.

They continue the chase until the teen stops and gets out at a hot air balloon convention. He gets in one and throws out the man inside. He takes off in the hot air balloon. Kang and Kodos continue to chase him in the car.

"Kang, keep driving the vehicle. I am going to try and grab the rope and climb upwards into the balloon of hot air and get our key!" Kodos says as he climbs on the hood of the car. He jumps for it, but misses. He lands on the hood of the car again. Kang drives a little faster and grabs the rope. It pulls him out of the car. He sets it for cruise control as he is rising. Kodos is still on the hood, unaware that Kang is not driving the car.

Kodos and the Teen fly up. The car goes downhill. Kodos is now flying through a herd of cows. He hits a cow and he lets go and falls. He gets up and runs when he sees his car coming at him. Kang sees Kodos running in front of him and realizes that there is no driver. He screams as the car continues to go downhill.

Kodos grabs onto the rope and the balloon goes up again. Only this time the rope wraps around the ankle of a cow, taking it up as well. The weight sends the balloon rocking, sending the teen down and onto the rope with Kodos and the cow. The Teen grabs an udder and sprays Kodos with milk. No effect because of the helmet. "Two can play this game earthling." He takes one of his tentacles and squeezes it. Green goo sprays over the teen. Kodos grabs the key out of the Teen's pocket. He slips and grabs onto the ankles of the cow. He looks up and the cow spits up on Kodos. Kodos falls into the pond below.

Kang and the car come flying into the lake shortly after. Kodos dives to avoid being hit. When they both resurface, Kodos shows Kang the key. "I have it brother."

"You are the best evil alien brother an evil alien could ever evilly ask for!" They hug in the water.

Back at the Lucy bus, they are still on the road. "How's it goin' captain?" One Lucy says as she approaches Krusty.

"Oh, bad. Really bad, thanks for asking!" Krusty replies bitterly.

"How about a pit stop?"

"No way, we are not stopping. Isn't there a bathroom in the back?"

"The latch is broken, anyone could come in!"

"You ain't got anything the other Lucy's haven't seen already."

Her voice deepens. "Not exactly." Krusty snaps his head at her. He screams in shock. "Would you stop screaming?"

"Damn!!"

Then, the hot air balloon with the cow attatched floats overhead. The cow slams up against the windshield. Everyone screams. The teen hanging on is screaming 'help me help me', which isn't helping because the people in the bus think the cow is talking. Krusty swerves off the road. The bus gets a flat tire and the Lucys start to cry in the Lucy fashion.

Nelson rides by. "Haw-haw!!"

Krusty, now outside trying to fix the tire, is cursing as he attempts to fix it. The Lucys start coming out of the bus. "What's wrong, Krusty?" One Lucy says as she gets out of the bus.

"It's a flat tire, stay on the bus!!" He yells.

The Lucys are now roaming outside, trying to help. A group of them grab the spare tire but accidentally send it rolling down the road. Krusty tries to catch it, but it's no use. He hears a creaking noise. When he turns around, he sees the bus starting to tip. It falls on its side. The Lucys start to cry again. Krusty joins in and sits on the ground.

Nelson rides back in the other direction. "Haw-haw!! Again!!"


	13. Chapter 13: Hitler's Hearty Hot Tub

**Chapter Thirteen: Hitler's Hearty Hot Tub**

In Barney's plow, Dr. Nick has found the heart and is trying to get in back into the bag. "Turn it around, turn the freaking thing around!" Barney yells as Nick tries to get it into the bag. "Wait, wait, what is that?" He points to something on the heart.

"It's a nickel!" Dr. Nick takes the nickel and sticks it into his pocket.

"Just put it back, please." Barney continues to drive.Dr. Nick fumbles with the heart. Eventually, he accidentally tosses it out the window. Barney looks over calmly and then screams frantically. He slams on the breaks and gets out. Dr. Nick follows. They look in the grass. A few minutes pass. "Oh, I'm so dead." He puts his hands over his face.

"Don't worry, we will find your heart." Dr. Nick says as he pats Barney on the back. "I have lost my heart many times before." He snickers. Barney stares at him. "I made a joke to make you forget how royally screwed you are!"

"Let's keep looking." Barney walks away.

A dog, with the heart in its mouth like a chew toy, runs up to Nick. Dr. Nick grabs the heart, unaware that it is in fact the heart. "Nice doggy. Good doggy. Fetch!" He throws the heart. "What a cute dog." He holds out his hand. He sees the blood and realizes what he's done. They chase after the dog.

The Simpsons are getting closer in Hitler's car. Homer is fussing around. "Hey, what's this?" He pulls out the cigarette lighter.

"Homie, be careful, that's a cigarette lighter." Marge says.

"They didn't have those back then, Marge." Homer burns his middle finger on the lighter. "Ow!! Ohhh..." He holds it out the side of the car. Unfortunately, there is a female biker next to him. He looks over and realizes he's flipping her off. "Oh! Sorry." He laughs nervously.

Marge sticks hers out, trying to explain what happened. "My husband burnt his finger, see?"

"Marge! Not helping!!" He laughs nervously some more. "I really like your dike--Bike!! I mean bike, not--not that you're--are you?" The biker backs away and whistles. She calls for a massive mob of bikers to attack the old car. They start to do so. "Hey this is Hitler's car! You can't do this!" Lisa shouts, but the bikers continue to destroy the car. They smash the headlights. "No, not the headlights!!" They hit Homer in the back of the head. He hits the steering wheel. The lipstick that he wiped off on the wheel is now on his upper lip. When he sits back up, the lighter goes flying in his mouth, burning his tongue. He spits it out.

Bart is enjoying the havoc in the back. "Smash it! Smash it!" He says.

"Bart, do you realize that this is the second time you are involved with the destruction of Hitler's car?" Lisa asks.

"Yeah, but this time it's not my fault!" Bart laughs and sits back.

They go crashing through a fence and near a crowd. Homer's two hairs are in his face. "Homie, ask them for help." Marge says to Homer.

He gets out and gets on the stage. Behind him is a banner that says **Welcome WWII Vets. **Homer, essentially, looks like a bald Hitler on the stage in front of dozens of Veterans, including his own father, Abe. When he starts to speak, it is just incoherent mumbling due to the burnt tongue. But to the vets, it sounds like German. He sticks up his middle finger, telling them what happened earlier mind you, and sticks out his arm almost making it look like he is heiling. Grandpa gets up and fires his gun at Homer. He misses, but hits the car. The Simpsons run away from the angry mob of old people.

Back at Burns' casino, a knock comes from the door. Smithers walks over and answers it. There is a lady at the door. A prostitute, actually. "Hello, handsome."

Smithers swallows uncomfortably and responds. "H--Hello."

"I'm Vicky."

"S-Smithers."

"Can I come in, Smithers?" She asks.

"Oh, yes. Of course." She walks in and Smithers shuts the door. He appears to be sweating.

"Where ya from Smithers?"

"Oh, here in Springfield."

"Ah, local boy makes good." She looks around. "So what can I do--" She caresses his shoulder. "--for you?"

Smithers wipes the sweat off his forehead. He is very uncomfortable. "Well...let's see. First, we both undress."

"Good start..."

"Heh, and then we get into a hot tub--"

"Ooh..."

"Of Pepto-Bismol." He finishes.

"Excuse me?"

"And then I clip your toenails and you shave my b-buttocks." He stutters.

"Wait, what?" She is very confused.

"Uh... Naked, Pepto-Bismol hot tub, I clip toenails and you shave buttocks." Smithers says again.

"You certainly have an active imagination."

"How much would that all cost?" He wipes more sweat off.

"Well, for a party like that, 3,000."

Mr. Burns and guests emerge from the curtains and under furniture. It was all a bet. "Who had 3,000?"

"I did!!" Sideshow Mel proclaims.

"Ah, Mel." Mr. Burns hands him the cash.

Moe sighs. "More of Moe's money lost...looks like I'm gonna have to go back to moonlighting as a carny." He sits on a couch and chugs down his drink.


	14. Chapter 14: Speed Drifter

**Chapter Fourteen: Speed Drifter**

Dr. Nick and Barney are still chasing the dog. They stop abruptly when they see the dog was electrocuted by an electric fence. The dog falls to the ground and Barney runs over. "Oh, crap. Look at this! It's never gonna work!!" He belches.

"What are those little holes?" Nick asks.

"You're the doctor, you should know!!" Barney shouts.

"I never said I was a good doctor." Dr. Nick examines the heart. "I think those are bite marks."

"Oh who the hell am I kidding. I can't go to Shelbyville with this! The guy's gonna be alive for two minutes then--" Barney imitates a flat lining noise and pounds on the heart. He starts to cry. He stops. "A drifter!"

"A what?"

"A drifter. An unknown person. We kill him and rip out his heart! It's perfect!" Barney starts to laugh.

"Mr. Gumble, you are giving me the freak out." Dr. Nick says.

"But where? Where would we..." They look around. Barney smiles evilly and looks at Dr. Nick. "Um, Dr. Nick?"

"Hmm?" Dr. Nick turns to Barney who is still looking over Dr. Nick.

"Where did you say you were from?"

"A land, far far away." Dr. Nick replies.

"And your family is back there?" Barney continues.

"No. They are all gone. Dead from a mysterious disease. That is the reason I became doctor! Why, uh, do you--" Dr. Nick realizes what Barney's intentions are. He points to something behind Barney to distract him. "Look, a drifter! Kill him!!" Dr. Nick runs when Barney looks away.

"Son of a--" Barney chases after Nick.

"Bye everybody!" Dr. Nick shouts as he jumps on the passing train.

"Bye Dr. Nick." Barney says sadly. "Damn it. Now I'm screwed." He walks over to the electric fence and wipes his forehead. He puts his hand on the fence and receives a mild electric shock and lets go. The heart in his hand starts beating he laughs and runs to his plow.

Disco Stu and Dinah are now at a gas station, asking what it will take to get their truck repaired. They had a little trouble on the road shortly after siphoning that gas.

The greasy gas attendant and mechanic is trying to explain. "You've got a crack in this here radiator. That's the tank-like thing in front of this engine."

"I know what a radiator is, can you fix the truck or not?" Dinah asks impatiently.

"I might be able to patch it. I got the tire sealant, but I ain't got no sand."

"Uh, aren't we totally in a desert?" Stu points out. The mechanic stares at him blankly.

Patty and Selma, after a long while of wandering through the desert, stumble upon a unveiling of sorts. A man sees them and guides them in. "Oh my, what happened to you two? Car trouble?" Patty and Selma sit down. "Have some water." He hands them some water, they chug it down.

Patty leans forward. "What's going on there?" She says pointing to the crowd ahead of them.

"Oh, Professor Frink is unveiling his new rocket car. He hopes to break the land speed record. You can go have a seat if you want."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Patty?"

"That I need a smoke?"

"That too, but first..."

"And now ladies and gentleman, hah, I will now take questions with the raising of the hands and the speaking!!" Professor Frink says from his podium.

"What is this thing made of?" A reporter asks.

"Ah, Kevlar, my good man. And lots of it! Any more questions?" Frink looks around.

Patty and Selma sneak into the rocket car, pretending to be models.

"How do you start the damn thing?" Selma asks.

"Ah, good question, scraggly voiced person. To the left of the steering wheel, you will find a green button. Push it, and it will start. With the vroom of the engine and the whoosh of the car." Patty and Selma push the button and take off in the car. Frink runs to the control booth. "Look, those two guys are going to break the sound barrier!"

Disco Stu and Dinah's truck is now fixed and ready to go. "Alright little missy, there she is. I don't think it'll hold very long, though." The mechanic says.

"How much, dude?" Disco Stu pulls out his wallet.

"Oh, 500 sounds good to me." He laughs.

"That's totally bogus!! No way, twenty bucks, thirty tops, man." Stu pulls out a twenty. He sticks it in the mechanic's shirt pocket and walks away.

"Hold it!" The mechanic pulls out a gun. "A little tool no con man should be without." He laughs and cocks the gun.

"You are totally cuckoo!" Disco Stu says.

"Fine, fine. Here's your 500." Dinah hands him the money. "And keep the twenty."

"Hey!" Stu proclaims.

"But you know what, you'll get yours pal. What goes around comes around."

"So unchristian, dude." Stu and Dinah walk away.

The mechanic taunts them. "Unchristian? Well, if the Good Lord don't like what I do, let's have a sign!" He looks into the air. "Oh, Lord! I'm here, and I'm listenin'. Heloooo!" He laughs. Then, at the blink of the eye, Patty and Selma whoosh by in the rocket car, the vibrations destroy his gas station. He turns and accidentally fires his gun.

Nelson rides by. "Haw-haw!!"

In the control room, Frink looks at the gauge. "Mach One! We did it!!" They start dancing happily. Patty and Selma continue on in the rocket car. The bullet that the mechanic fired catches up to them. "Ohhh!" Patty says as she sees this. Selma lights her cigarette. The smoke fills the rocket car. The car runs out of gas and stops abruptly.


	15. Chapter 15: Sleepy Looney Lucys

**Chapter Fifteen: Sleepy Loony Lucys**

The Simpsons have outran the WWII veterans, but that's not much of an accomplishment, and just finished a meal in a dinner.

Homer confesses to what his real motives were for this trip. "We're racing!" He says randomly.

"What, dad?" Lisa asks.

"It's a race. We are racing. Mr. Burns set up this race for two million dollars. And I wanna get there first! I do not want to end up working at home depot!!" He shouts.

Patty and Selma, meanwhile, wander out of their rocket car. They find themselves amongst a group of loonies. They stumble around the grounds. The mental asylum took them out for a breather.

"Okay, everyone. Back on the bus. Don't want to be late for macaroni night!" A sweet, short lady says to the loonies. "Everyone, now. You two, come on." She says to Patty and Selma.

"We came on a rocket car!" Patty says.

"Of course you did, I'd love to hear more about this on the bus." She gets in and signals the driver to shut the doors.

Back at the diner, Homer is trying to convince his family to keep racing. "...and if we leave now, we can make it. I'm so close, I can smell the money."

"Homer, this has been a living hell for me...and us." Bart says.

"Let's just go home dad." Lisa says. Maggie nods her head.

"I agree, we should really go home, Homie." Marge says holding Homer's hand.

"Fine..." Homer grumbles. Homer leaves to get some more food. He stops when he sees some sleeping pills on a shelf. "Thank you, Jebus!" He runs back and gets some milkshakes, putting the ground up sleeping pills in them. "I'm back. And I brought food!"

"There's a surprise!" Bart laughs.

Homer puts the milkshakes on the table and chokes Bart. "Why you little!!"

"Homer, not in public! Wait until we get home to choke Bart!" Marge says as she breaks up the two.

"Look, I'm sorry for all this. So, after we drink up, we'll return the Nazi-mobile and go home, okay? Drink up." Homer says as he sits down. He starts to laugh evilly as his family drinks the shakes.

Krusty, who is still stranded with the Lucys, is about to snap. Lucys gather around him to comfort him. "Don't worry, Krusty. I'm sure you won't get fired. We'll stand up for you." She pats him on the shoulder.

"I'm not a bus driver." Krusty mumbles.

"Oh, you're a great bus driver!" Another Lucy says.

"No, I'm really not a bus driver!" Krusty says standing up.

"You're the greatest bus driver ever! Krusty, Krusty, Krusty..." The Lucys start chanting Krusty's name over and over until he snaps.

"Shut up!! Shut up you crazy lucy bitches!! Shut up!!" They stop chanting his name. "I am not a freaking bus driver! I stole these clothes.This jacket is not mine and neither are these pants!!" He takes off his jacket and pants. "I am a clown. A TV clown!! Not a bus driver."

"You're not...a bus driver?" One Lucy says slowly and angrily.

"You ruined our whole vacation!! Get him girls!!" Krusty screams and runs as the Lucys chase him down the road.

Back at the casino, Mr. Burns and party are looking at the race monitor. "They are all within 50 miles!!" Sideshow Mel proclaims as he faces Mr. Burns.

"Excellent. Smithers!" Smithers walks up to Mr. Burns. "This is the final lap. All the horses are near the end. Fly down to the train station and wait there for the winner. Report to me immediately when he or she arrives."

"Yes, Mr. Burns." Smithers walks away. Behind Mr. Burns there are four maids clinging on to the curtains. The last one to fall wins, as well as the person betting on that maid. They all fall at the same time when the curtain falls off its holder. "Hmm, note to self: Get stronger curtains."


	16. Chapter 16: The Final Lap

**Three more chapters to go. sigh I'm going to miss writing this story...**

**Chapter Sixteen: The Final Lap**

The Simpson family, except for Homer and Maggie, are all asleep. "Let's go get my money now..." Homer laughs until he looks outside and sees the two tour guides from the Malibu Stacy Museum at the Hitler Car. "D'oh!" _Okay Homer, think. What to do, what to do. S.S in the parking lot! Not good. Not good._ Just then, Barney pulls up in his plow. "Whoo-Hoo!!" Homer drags his family in the parking lot, avoiding the two guides, and puts them in the plow. "Thanks for this Barney. What luck you'd pull up at this moment."

"No problem Homer!" Barney belches. "To Captiol City!!"

"Shelbyville, Barney."

"Right."

Krusty, who hid in a cornfield from the Lucys, gets up. He sees a sign **Shelbyville: 25 Miles.** He hops on a horse nearby and rides out.

Kang and Kodos, having stole another car, are near the finish line as well. They too see the sign. "We have almost made it, brother!" Kodos says.

"Yes, and soon we shall be off this wretched rock!" Kang replies. They laugh maniacally. So much that they close their eyes. Kang accidentally swerves off the road and into a monster truck rally. They stop laughing and look around. "Where are we, Kodos?"

"I do not know..." A monster truck revs its engine. They have parked in a line of cars for the monster truck to jump over. They struggle to get out of the car. When they do get out, the truck smashes the car. The driver runs out and inspectes that car.

"Where'd those two go?" He asks.

Kang and Kodos climb into the monster truck and drive out laughing. They crush other people's cars on the ways.

Dr. Nick, on the train, waits anxiously. The hot air balloon with the teen and cow floats over them. Dr. Nick looks over and tries to entertain a baby next to him. He makes funny faces. Eventually he pulls out the key and dangles it. He gives it to the baby. The conductor over the speaker says ''Next stop, Shelbyville' Dr. Nick sits up. "Shelbyville? It is the finish line!! I made it!" He turns to the baby. "I made it!!" He looks for the key. "Where is the key? Where--" The baby looks at his diaper. "Wha--you--oh..." He gets up and goes into the diaper for the key and only for the key. The parents wake up. "I think I am touching it!" The parents get up. "It is very tiny." The parents grab Nick. "I have it! I am holding it!!" The parents call for the conductor.

Back on the road, the racers are getting closer and together. Krusty is in the lead on a horse. "Almost there baby, come on!!" He says to his horse. "Make it you stupid horse."

Behind them are Disco Stu and Dinah. "One more mile baby. One more mile, don't lose your funk now!" Stu says.

Homer and family are behind them. Marge awakens next to Barney. "Homie?" She says rubbing Barney's face.

"Hi honey! How'd you sleep?" He laughs nervously.

Kang and Kodos are behing them in second to last. "Pass them."

"I cannot. We are too big!" Kodos replies.

At the casino, it seems time has stopped. They have gathered around the monitor. "They've stopped!!" Sideshow Mel proclaims.

Mr. Burns pushes a button. "No, they're moving, look." He zooms in.

"Screw this!" Krusty hops off his horse and runs. Everyone else does the same.

Patty and Selma are driving by in the loony bus. "Stop, stop the bus!" Patty says as she runs to the front.

"Whoah, no one leaves the bus." The short lady says standing in front of Patty and Selma.

"We gotta get off!! We are not crazy." Selma says.

"We should've took a cat, we didn't take a cat." Patty says.

"Not helping!" Selma replies. Selma grabs the lady's throat. "Open those door now or I'll squash you like a bug! Open it!!"

"Open it" The lady says hoarsley.

"Thank you!" Selma says as she lets go and runs out the bus and with the others.

All the racers, except for Dr. Nick, are now running towards the bus station.

Then, the train that Dr. Nick was in came in right infront of the bus station. The conductor literray throws Nick off, he screams and hits the ground.

Smithers sees this. He picks up the phone. "It's Dr. Nick. Dr. Nick is here by train."

At the casino, "Well, what do you know Rip-Van-Wrinkle pulled it off!!" The gamblers laugh.

Back at the station, the racers continue to run. Dr. Nick pops up and enters the bus station. He sees Smithers and starts to laugh. He runs to the lockers.

"Dr. Nick is inside and at the lockers. He has just put in his key." Smithers walks over to him. "Congratulations, on behalf of the Burns casino slash resort on your--"

Dr. Nick snores. He fell asleep again because the pills kicked in again. Back at the casino, everyone is utterly confused. "Smithers, is it over? What's that sound? Are sleeping on the job again?"

Back at the station, the racers enter. They stop when they see Nick at the lockers. He snores. "He is sleeping!!" Kodos shouts. They run to the lockers. There is a frantic fight for the one person to put their key in.

Homer manages to get his is. "Hahah! I win! I win! And you all loooooossssseeeeee!!" He opens the locker. But does not look inside. "And now, I shall leave with my millions." They are all staring at the locker. "What are you all staring at?" He turns around. He gasps.

Dr. Nick wakes up. "Did I win?"

**CLIFFHANGER!! **


	17. Chapter 17: The End Is Near

**The final two! lets keep on trucking...**

**Chapter Seventeen: The End Is Near...**

Everyone is staring at the locker. "What the hell? It's empty!!" Homer says. "Where's my money?"

Outside, Smithers is fighting with Vicky, the prostitute from the casino. "Let go of the bag, Vicky!"

At the casino, "Mr. Smithers, what on earth is going on?"

"The hooker from the casino stole the money!!" Smithers says over the speaker.

"Hooker? What hooker?" Burns asks.

"Pepto-Bismol!?" Sideshow Mel proclaims.

"What the hell is she doing there?" Burns asks

Back in Shelbyville, "She said she liked me as a friend, but now I think she is really in it for the money!!"

"Why don't we get together, honey?"

"Well...I'm, well--"

"Oh! I see, well..." Her voice deepens. "So am I, handsome." Vicky is really a Victor.

"I'll drive!" Smithers hops in his car. Victor follows. The racers barge out of the station. Smithers drives off. The racers follow, but scatter when Smithers drives right at them. Smithers drives down the road. "So long, suckers!!"

Disco Stu spots a tour bus. "Let's steal this groovy thing!" Stu runs to the bus, holding Dinah's hand.

"You want to steal a bus? What have I done?" Dinah says.

"I'll drive!" Krusty says as he climbs up towards the wheel. "All aboard!" He drives off.

Smithers and Victor continue on down the road. The hot air baloon with the squeaky-voiced teen and the cow flies over. The teen manages to lower the cow on top of Smithers and Victor. The tee hops in the car and grabs the bag. "I got it!" He shouts.

"That's mine!" Smithers says as he climbs back. The teen ties the rope to the bag and prepares to fly off. Smithers grabs the teen and stops him, but the balloon flies off with the money. "No! Argh." A horn honks. Smithers turns and sees a truck coming right at them. The three scream and crash into the truck, but no one is seriously injured.

At the casino, Mr. Burns hears the crash. "It's a scratch! Nobody wins!!" Sideshow Mel shouts.

"Never!" Mr. Burns says. "I'll tell you what it means, my bonehead friend, we are going into extra innings! Get me my private jet." He says to one of his lackeys. Burns and company are now on a private jet to Shelbyville. The jet is swerving back and forth. People look like they are about to puke. Eventually, Moe does. "Ah, Moe. Who had Mr. Syzlak?"

"I did!" Lenny says.

"Ah, Leonard." Burns hands him money.

"Is that it?" A stewardess asks.

"Yes, tell the pilot to level off." Mr. Burns says.

The tour bus continues to chase the balloon. Everyone is shouting frantically. Krusty getting irritated. "Shut up, all of you! I see the balloon. Geez, you people are worse than the Lucys." Krusty drives the bus into building where the balloon was starting to lower into. He stops. Everyone gets out.

"There is the balloon of heated air!" Kodos points to the balloon.

They all run to the balloon and grab the bag. They take out the money and start jumping around. A spotlight shines on them. They turn around and see a large audience.

"Now, that is one hell of an entrance." A man says.

"Whoa, it's Smash Mouth!" Bart says.

"What's going on over here?" The band leader asks. He sees the money. "What is this?" He asks Dinah.

"Money." She says.

"Jesus, how much is this?" He asks.

"2 Million." Stu says as he wraps his arms around Dinah.

"Two--Two Million--Two Million Dollars! Two Million Dollars everybody!!"

Dr. Nick walks over. "On the bus, we talked about it. And...we decided to share all the money!"

"They're gonna share all the money, everybody! Oh, man!" The Band Leader says.

The microphone goes to Stu. "I totally almost didn't go to this shindig, but then I met this foxy lady, and well...if I could take a moment, please." Stu gets down on one knee. "Dinah Faucet, you are the disco to my music. Will you toatally marry me?"

"Oh..." Tears come to her eyes. "Stu...this is so sudden. I mean REALLY sudden...but, yes! I will!!" Stu gets up and kisses her.

"Wow!! Money and propsal!!" The Band Leader says. "Let's get these guys some jackets!"

"Extra-Extra Large, please!" Homer says. Some people hand out the jackets.

"We're gonna check the tote board now and see where we're at. Okay?" The Band Leader, along with everyone else look at the tote board. The number goes from 5, 284.67 to 2,005,284.67. The racers all start saying no and starting to argue. Some people from the Feed The Earth Organization come out.

An old man starts to speak. "Excuse me. We work for Feed the Earth. These are some of our children. I don't know who you people are or where you came from... but God bless you. Tonight you've given to these kids, and their brothers and sisters all over the world more than money. You've given them back their faith. Their faith in the goodness of people."

A little girl takes the microphone and speaks in a foreign language. The translator takes the microphone. "She said, 'You are just like the 12 disciples.' "

Another girl comes up. "Thank you."

All of the racers hearts are warmed by this. Disco Stu steps up and puts the money in the bag that was brought out to collect the money. After he puts the money in the bag, he busts a move with Dinah. She puts the money in as well. Next, is Patty and Selma. They through their money in. Selma reaches back in and takes out her cigarette that she accidentally threw in. Dr. Nick steps up and tosses his money in. People continue to applaud. "Thanks everybody!"

Kang and Kodos throw their money in next. Krusty walks up and kisses his money before he throws it in. He waves goodbye as he walks off. Marge steps up and puts her money in. "Homer, your the last one." She says.

"Forget it! This is my money, I earned it!" Homer says.

"Dad, how could you?" Lisa asks.

"Yeah, Homer this is low, even for you."

The crowd starts chanting do it' Homer hugs his money. "No, I deserve this. I--" He stops when Maggie starts tugging on his pantleg. He looks down. Maggie's eyes are filled with tears. She has removed her pacifier. "Da-da?" She speaks.

"Maggie!! You spoke!" Homer looks at his money. He thinks. "Oh, this money could go to children who really need it, huh, Maggie?" She smiles. "Ohhh..." Homer slowly puts the money in the bag. He picks up Maggie. "I love you, Maggie!!" He hugs her. The audience applauds.

Mr. Burns and comapny emerge from backstage. They see the audiemce. Homer sees them out of the corner of eyes. He takes the microphone. "Ladies and gentleman, I want to introduce you to the real heroes of this evening. They are the ones who got us all together. They are the ones who provided the money. They are the stars: Mr. C. Montgumery Burns!! Give them a hand! Get a camera on them" The audience applauds loudly as Mr. Burns appears on the screen. "They don't have to be here, oh no. They could be back at the casino blowing their money on some idiotic bet. But they couldn't do that. Not when there are children going to bed hungry every night. Right?" Homer asks.

"Whatever..." Mr. Burns says.

"Mr. Burns, and his associates, are here to match whatever you raise tonight dollar for dollar!" Homer looks at Burns when he says this. Burns laughs for a few seconds but shreiks at what just happened.

The Band Leader grabs the microphone."Yeah! Let's hit the phones and crank it up, 'cause we're gonna feed the whole world tonight!!"

The band plays **All Star**. As they are singing, Burns is on the ground crying and whimpering. All of the racers are onstage dancing. Homer pulls out Hitler's harmonica and starts to play it. The racers crowd-surf as the song ends. The number on the tote board goes up as the racers crowd-surf and dance.

**This may be the end of the movie, but not MY story. There's still some unfinished business...**


	18. Chapter 18: One Last Thing

**That was where the movie ended, but there is one more thing that needs to happen...**

**One Last Thing**

After the charity concert ends, and the curtains close, the racers talk. The Simpsons are in the center of the stage. "That was really sweet of you, Homie." Marge kisses Homer.

"Thanks Marge. I couldn't help but melt when I looked into Maggie's eyes and she said my name..."

Krusty caught up with Mel. "You bet against me!? What's wrong with you?"

"I thought it was a surefire bet!!" Sideshow Mel proclaims as they leave the building.

Patty and Selma follow them. "Well, that was fun. Shame about the money." Selma says.

"Yeah, but it's going to a good cause." Patty replies.

"I know, but think of all the cigarettes we could've bought!" The sigh and leave.

Dr. Nick follows. "Bye Everybody!"

"Bye Dr. Nick!" Everybody says. Dr. Nick leaves.

Kang and Kodos slither behind. "Now what will we do, we are still trapped on this absurd planet!" Kodos says.

"Never fear, Kodos. We can always call for...reinforcements!" They laugh maniacally as they leave.

Disco Stu and Dinah follow. "Oh, Stu. I can't beleive you proposed." Dinah says.

"As my groovy grandad says: Great things take time...but Groovy things happen all at one psycadelic time! Oh!" Stu busts a move.

"I totally agree." She kisses Stu.

Stu laughs. "Totally." They leave hand in hand.

The Simpsons are the only ones still there. "Before we go, I need to whiz." Bart says. "Back in five!" He runs off.

After Bart enters the bathroom, the door slams. "Hello, Bart." A voice comes from behind.

Bart turns and screams. "SIDESHOW BOB!!"

"Yes, it is I! I come for revenge. But first,--"

"You're going to tell me what you've been up to, right?" Bart asks.

"Am I that predictible?" Bart shakes his head. "Well, you're right. I escaped not but a day ago. I made it to downtown springfield and took up taxi cab driving. I only took the job so I can make enough money for my next elaberote scheme to kill you. So after a long, exhausting day of schlepping citizens around, I checked into a hotel. The next day, which is today, I picked up Krusty. He foolishly told me of the race he was in. He told me of who was in the race as well. And when I heard your father was in the running, I knew you'd be along for the ride. So I stranded Krusty in the desert and made my way here. I knew you would come to this event because you kids nowdays love your hip-hop and punk rock. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist. So I waited and waited and here we are." Bob is now leaning against the wall near the door. "So...any last words?"

"I hate you."

"Ah, something we agree on! Farewell, sweet Simpson." He pulls out a gun and puts the silencer on.

As Bob was about to shoot Bart, Homer comes barging in. He swings the door open, hitting Bob in the face, rendering him unconcious. "Gotta go gotta go gotta go!" He runs in a stall.

"Foiled again, Sideshow Freak!" Bart laughs and walks out the bathroom.

**THE END**

**Wait, Wait, Wait!! Are you wandering happened to Smithers and Victor after the crash ? If you are, then here ya go:**

The sun is rising on another day in the desert. Smithers and Victor are riding through the desert on the cow. Smithers gets off when he sees a sign. "Look, a Malibu Stacy Museum! I love Malibu Stacy!!" Smithers says. The two enter the museum, unaware of what's inside...

**Well...that does it for Rat Race, Simpsons Style! I really had fun writing this story. It brought me much joy and amusement...as well as some stress at some points. **

**I would like to thank the people behind the Simpsons, especially Matt Groening. He is an amazing man and I truly admire him.**

**I would also like to thank all the people behind the movie Rat Race. Without them, this story would've never been made. **

**Special thanks to my reviewers who have kept me from abandoning this story completley. Beleieve it or not, I almost did send this story to oblivion way back when. That was around Chapter 3, I think. What a mistake that would've been. I am proud to have a story that is so well reviewed.**

**AND...I would like to thank Depthmon for some inspiration and corrections. Thanks so much.**

**Hey, look forward to the sequel to this story: MURDER BY STUPIDITY**

**It is deep underway and should be up very soon! More Disco Stu and Disco Dinah in the sequel. (It's not another rat race story)**


	19. Chapter 19: Deleted Chapter!

_****_

SIMPSONS RAT RACE Deleted Chapter

**I have something very special for all you fans of Rat Race, Simpsons Style! This chapter is a chapter I wrote early on for this story, but never really found a place for it. It is also a song. I love putting songs in my stories, and thought I'd share it with everyone!**

**The tune is...well, you can imagine it to go however you want, really. It is still in it's outline form, just so you know. **

**Enjoy this deleted chapter...** (Here's the key):

****

H-Homer

M-Marge

K-Krusty

KA-Kang

KO-Kodos

D-Disco Stu

N-Dr. Nick

W-Willie

**Chapter ??: THE 2 MILLION DOLLAR SONG**

M: 2 Million! Homer, what would you possibly do with two million dollars!

H: Well, my dear, this can only be expressed in exubarrant song!

_Well...I...Could..._

_Buy two million donuts at a dollar per bun_

_I could buy the bowlerama for infinite fun_

_If I was rich I would be so ever pleasant_

_And I'd buy my wife a million dollar present!_

M:Oh, Homie!

_Maybe I could even buy me some class_

_Or buy Flander's house and kick him out on his--_

M: HOMER!

_H: Butt._

_K:Oh, I would move to florida for the rest of my days_

_No more whiney brats begging me to say "HEY HEY"_

_Life would be sweet, sweet as sugar_

_No more entertaining, just layin at home flicking boogers._

_And I would buy a mansion or two for my crap_

_Then I would bribe the police to clean my rap._

_KO:If we recieved the millions_

_KA:We could purchase battilions_

_KO:To aid us in our quest_

_KA:Or merely help us at best_

_KO:We'd no longer be called an abomination_

_KA: Especially when we master--_

_BOTH: Galactic domination!!_

_D: Disco Stu would buy a roller disco, to bring back funk_

_Disco Stu would dance all day and night, and receive no bunk_

_Disco Stu dreams of this day by day_

_Wishing, hoping, looking for a way_

_With the moneyDisco Stu'd be the grooviest dude this side of springfield_

_With the money my legacy Disco Stu shall build, OH!_

_N: With the monies I could go back to school_

_I could learn and no longer be a fool_

_In time I could be a great doctor, vigilant and alert_

_Maybe even be better than Hibbert_

_I would roam down the street, handing out money_

_And meeting all the peoples saying "Hi Everybody!"_

_P: We'd spend the money on smokes_

_S: Or maybe on use it on our folks_

_P: Or go around town looking for dates_

_S: With money we could actually find a mate!_

_P: Or maybe buy a house, no more cramped apartment_

_S: We could flash the money in Homer's face and say:_

_BOTH: Get bent!!_

_W: Willie's got no part in this song, _

_But I'm to drunk to know right from wrong_

_Willie's not in the race at all_

_But I've got time to stall_

_So don't mind me as I drive through carelessly_

_Now If you'll excuse me, Willie's gonna hit that tree--_AAAHHH_!_

M: Oh, my. I hope he's alright.

W: Willie's fine. He just broke his leg. Wait, maybe it isn't. Let Willie check. OWWWWW! No, Willie's leg be broken!

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed the song. Thanks for reading!**


End file.
